Hey, I'm OK

Lots has happened lately... And Lord Jesus himself, if I got a nickel for every time I typed that sh*t I'd have like sixty nickels.

I need a drink. Seriously at least a shot.

Sooooo.... What I brought you here for:
I found out this weekend what is f*cking me up lately. WHY I'm an emotional time bomb:

I work... at a call center. Oh my god that explains everything. A close friend of mine told me this, I mean he practically blurted it out like "duh Jason no wonder your life sucks."

I have to find a new job asap. This one is killing me. Imagine hearing 30 people a day call you, not caring about you, and having you expend every last drop of emotion you have to console them for $16/hr. Not worth trading your life outside of work to make paying the bills easy.  So that's my decision.

Love,
Jason

So much happening lately

...that I've become an emotional time bomb.

Just ready to explode, blowing ridiculous amounts of sticky, colorful emotion all over strangers that don't want goo on their clothes.  Well, bad news bitches:

My tears are about to put the goo on your gucci.

Anyways, I had an encounter of the stalker kind.  I sort of stalked my ex boyfriend tonight (yes I know, I know) just be cause I needed some therapeutic driving time. See, I was in the area looking for homes and apartments for next semester and I just wanted to check.  Simple curiosity.

It was about the most nostalgic, blank feeling I've felt. And blank usually means overload. And overload means I'm gonna end up crying it out at the most unusual time. Like during dinner. Or during a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Or at puppies, I cry at puppies and babies a lot.

Jason

One Chance

Perhaps the scariest feeling in the world is when you've just discovered how close you just were to death.  When you find out how easily your life could end... when you get your first taste of death and you can't forget the flavor. When you consider how easily you could die, you realize how close you might be putting yourself to the edge every day.  I feel like I've learned all my dangerous lessons as close to the edge as I could be without falling, every time.  Car accidents.  Hospital visits.  Recklessness.

Sometimes reality puts you on the fast track toward a nasty smack in the face.  We don't worry about how fragile we are until we actually find out.  And then you become aware. And you remember that you only have one chance. And everything returns to delicacy.

-Jason

Update for September mmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmm

Thuprise, I haven't written in a bazillion years.

Every time I leave out entries, it's because I am so busy living a complex, crazy life that I don't have time for blogging.

Here's the equation: (if it doesn't make sense, you're not my friend anymore)

Frequency of Blog Posting = 1/Amount of crazyness in my life
"How often I post blogs is inversely proportional to how much shit is going on at one time"

Mmk there you have it, time to brave the world. I'm moving to... wait, how much can I say online?  I'm starting to accrue a few followers ;)  GOD BLESS FOR FINDING SOME GOD FORSAKEN INTEREST IN MY LIFE!

Lady GaGa is rioting against DADT this week. She's our politician now ; ) FINALLY someone who knows how to wear a SUIT AND TIE!

Tonight

So as you all probably know, I just recently got a new car. A freakin sexy new car. You'd have to know me to see it. My car is still a virgin and I'm looking for applicants to break it in.

Application Process:
Penis? Y/N

We're good to go.

Also! I'm taking two friends to Loveland to join the parade march with PFLAG's float : ) Then we're gonna hang around for free beads and cowboy hats and the horse rating thing where they pin shit on cows and dogs. And corn.

Anyways I am horrible at stick shift and I haven't told anyone yet but I nearly die every time I drive to work. So driving to Loveland? Let's see how far we get. IT'S ADVENTURE TIME!

Poem for my Readers

Dear Andrew,
You smell like a Sandshrew,
You eat like a pig
and smell like Dr. Drew,
Ampersand doesn't rhyme with anything...
Any questions?

Loveeeeee,
El trampo!

A new post finally!

Ok so, so much has happened lately GOSH!

1-Ex's resolved (six month process, necessary? probably not normally)

2-Parents still on the straight side of life (you know, the greyscale lifestyle)

3-I'm listening to super awesome music : ) (I busted out my old high school grunge shit and I love it)

4-Wait, there was something for #4...

5-My job still continues to suckkk. (I've never had such a shitty job in my entire lifetime and hope it never gets this retarded.)

6-Thank god for Glee because NOAH IS SO FREAKING GORGEOUS. (Now there's an alpha male haha)

7-I've seen lots of movies lately (Last Airbender... eh that's it)

8-I rented super mario galaxy 2 and played it with my younger sibs. (it's not as good as the first, AND my little bro beat it in 2 days)

9-I'm tired as FUUUUckkkkkkkkk goodnight readers. (cough Andrew cough)

Blog you must check out

This guy went through the same things I did with BYUI and being gay:

Gossip Boy

Click on it. He's a hero. He's amazing ; )

Why I'm Gay _ A Letter to my Mormon Uncle

I'm just being apprehensive because of the stance that was made between you and K. I mean you didn't sound like you weren't gonna be very compromising to be honest... and can you blame me? And right now I'm scared I'm gonna waste my time really, but for some reason I still want to tell my story.

When I was 12 I knew I was attracted to guys. I mean, I just was. I dated seven girls you know, and four seriously between college and my senior year of high school--I tried to fit the mold. I just ended up depressed, seeing everyone else so happy with their girlfriends when I just never felt that way with a girl. So i snapped out of it and started branching out, making gay friends and asking everyone questions; my friends, my bishop, my psychiatrist. Eventually I found out that I was built this way and that I liked being in a guy's arms and I liked hearing a guy's voice over the phone and I liked it when a guy told me i looked nice. I mean, it's as simple as that, I don't see why people are so scared of it. Fear of the unknown? it's pretty known already haha... Anyways when I had my first kiss with my friend Chris. (He and i weren't dating because i was scared to death--i mean, being told "kissing boys is wrong" your whole life and then finding out you're gay... that's the reason for these suicides.) It was weird, I mean i'm sure the first time you kissed your wife it was like the walls crumbled and the sunshine came flowing in, wasn't it? And i know that sounds horribly cheesy but it really was night-and-day for me. Boy-vs-girl. I never wanted to go back, I mean I found a reason to live really. My grades skyrocketed from about three F's in three semesters to A's and B's. I wanted to do things and better myself. School mattered because I wanted to support a beautiful husband and an amazing family. That semester was the first time I remember waking up every day loving the sun coming through my window.

I had the best semester of my life when I was dating K and living together. He and i don't talk anymore, and alot of the reason we fought was because his family loved me and my family couldn't stand the sight of him. And I discovered I was the "hot topic" at my grandfather's funeral when I heard about the threats and complaints about how my parents can't raise children right. I was furious, defensive, reclusive, and I turned to a life that would take me. My grades again were solid A's, all four classes last semester. K and I fell apart when he got into pot and I wanted nothing to do with him, but his and my friendship is still mending. It would be easier if my family had open arms to back me up with. It's kind of a disaster really and I just keep fighting--i'm not wronging anyone. I was just born wrong.

...So everything I do keeps me from family outings, and my parents are at a point where they aren't sure whether they want me to come to church with them anymore. The lowest point in my life was this christmas when I woke up at 9 and they had celebrated christmas without me. I feel rejected all the time and trust me I have cried, fought, screamed, sold out, found things in common with my dad i never knew i had, built a relationship with my mom i never would have had, and completely changed myself. All for the better.

People tell me that my love is a choice. I usually tell them, "yeah, living alone for the rest of your live or going out and finding someone." And i generally retort "i'll see you at the nearest restaurant with my new girlfriend and a boy of your choice."

When i ask, they never have anything to say to that. I've kissed girls, but i just feel strange... Like when a straight guy kisses another guy--it's awkward to him. I feel that way with girls. Trust me, ha i've done plenty of research--scientific journals, the newest report on the news about genes and whatever strikes my attention. The world is changing, and I mean, we're not becoming more conservative... we're moving towards equal rights for all. People tell me that my marriage will infringe on their marriage. Why? They say it's "immoral" so i tell them, "why do you watch primetime tv then?" They continue with "it's unnatural" and i say "i don't have any way to prove it, but innocent till proven guilty. Show me the evidence that it's impossible." And lastly, "what about family values?" and i always reply "we have families and we have values." i advise my friends to go at it this way (like martin luther king) that the only way to achieve civil rights is to be patient and nonviolent.

We don't kill. We just wait, and celebrate in parades or with our friends in safe places and in groups. It makes me sick to my stomach every time I hear a new gay man repeatedly called a faggot as they bludgeon him to death. It's not cool, and any good christian should stand up against treatment like that.

Finally, my biggest cause: What religion would ever divide a family?

...I've never gotten an answer to that question.

Ethan Sloop

"Release them in the middle of the day. Give the public 24 hours notice."

Here is the article. Read carefully, the four year old boy's parents deserve to be destroyed.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100514/ap_on_re_us/us_missing_boy_utah

Survey. Boys. Damn.

So I just took a survey for the Acadian Univ. in Canada about your past relationships and your top best memory and your single top worst memory from the relatonship. I chose our long distance fall out for the worst and the first night he gave up his virginity to me as the best memory we've ever had. The final essay question asked me to  tell the survey what I liked about our relationship and what I didn't. I thought the whole survey was HUGE for reflection--he and I don't talk anymore and the cold turkey closure wasn't much to live off of. Today provided me with much more closure--who I am, what feelings I had after writing the sad essay, and what feelings I had immediately after writing the good essay. I hope my feelings belonged to the right man and I hope they were the right feelings. I wonder often if I told him I loved him too soon. I just wonder if we had sex too soon. I wonder about a lot of things that hit me the night we chose to stop talking, but now I don't wonder about them as much. It's nice to have an empty mind sometimes, but I just wonder if I really have that closure I need. What if I'm just doing that baby thing where we pretend that we're ok and then have a sudden breakdown. Haha, I just need to know where the heck my mind is and where the heck I AM on this train of emotional commotion.

All Good Things

...come to an end.

My friend and I were just out for the first drama-free clubbing night in months and everything was going so well!

He calls me ten minutes ago to say a drunk driver drove him into a telephone pole.

I am so furious, the fuckin scum bag needless to say drove off leaving him stranded. The cops just showed up so he had to hang up the phone. But if he doesn't come out of this without a scratch (insurance premiums included) then I'm gonna have to freak out. When's the next time I'll see him again? What if his car doesn't run anymore and he can't get to work?

FUCKKK ALCOHOL. You know how many things it's made harder in my life? Boys. My friends. My friends' cars. 

You can take a guy that's a 10 and a beer bottle in his hand cuts his number in half. If he smokes, subtract two. The perfect man can be a 3 if he's not taking care of himself. And anonymous strangers on the highway.

UGHHH GOOD NIGHT!

Jamie Cullum

God I would so take it up the butt for this man.

He sings like an angel.

He looks like a god.

He belongs in my life ; )

Go listen : http://www.jamiecullum.com/

Men

...just Boys.

Boys

Men.

Eighty Steps Away - The Good Listeners

The city is fagrant
I wanted my life back
where are the people i used to know?
give me a taxi
i runin in vapors
everyone's lonely, tongues on fire

where are we going
the other side of this
in the crossfire
thiere's no damage control
and i'm glowing
80 spets away
with ghosts now
by the waterside

i'm breai iin ompast
i move like a sleet stack
died in a hollows
down in the brime
the great adv's
illuminate nonsense
the cardboard apts
it's all we can find

*Yes I couldn't find the lyrics on the internet and yes I did type that on the first try and no I am not going back to correct my errors lol

"Bookmarks"

So how come you'll choose a religion that divides your family?

Are you that terrified of death that you'll trade your only son for God?


So I've just started this brand new blog, and this shit is new to me. I love it : ) People get to hear my opinions.  I want to be that blog that you accidentally search for and click on and save it in your bookmarks because it was just that good.

I hvae a few of thsoe.

I hpoe I get the prliveage of bnieg one of the mnay web pgaes on this vast intneret that you chsooe to bookmrak.

~BS

Pale Horses - Moby

Put me on the train, send me back to my home
Couldn’t live without you when I tried to roam
Put me by the window, let me see outside
Looking at the places where all my family died

Leave me by the churchyard, leave me on my own
someone came and take me back to my home
Put me by the window, let me see outside
Looking at the places where all my family died

Put me on the train, send me back to my home
Put me on the train, send me back to my home
Put me on the train, send me back to my home
Put me on the train, send me back to my home
Put me on the train, send me back to my home