I slept thru my finance exam

Staying up till 6 fuming about Alex so yea I'm failing calculus for the 4th time, chemistry for the 3rd and finance again how the hell. I hope I fucking pass history 150 for god sakes. I don't have any more time to waste in this college. An old friend of mine posted a status today about how he's celebrating his 3 year anniversary of graduating from BYU and lol I'm in my 7th year attempting to get the fuck out. I have friends this year posting things about how excited they are to have been accepted into medical school or some masters program. Am I biologically fucked up beyond repair or am I just lazy, or just unlucky maybe? Hopefully? Just fuck it is what I say.

Also nice little 4am surprise;

So the guy who raped me two years ago just found me on instagram and started liking the photos of me what the fuck do I do in this situation

Some photos of me this week

Birthday party in Denver sat night:

Walkin around Denver right before the party:

Lorde was in town so I was walking for a while to my car

Filtered pic of the city to bring out the colors:

And back home in Fort Collins, Arthur and I making fun of the way my Canadian friend says words:

~JK

I wanna be a dad so bad sometimes

See this shit?

Reunited with an old friend

Arthur from CSU two years ago, I hung out with him tonight from 11p up to just a few mins ago. It's 4:11am. He's so cool, my social life is blooming. We may be making plans to go to Toronto World Pride 2014 to travel together so I can see my friends there and he can see his. We found flights into Buffalo for $340 round trip holy fuck. And Buffalo is 45 mins from Toronto. Round trip to Toronto (YYZ airport code) is $480. And passing through customs on a plane is so much harder than driving through the border. I haven't heard from Anthony much in four days now so he's been busy again but me and Arthur sent the funnies voice message because we can't remember how T'ronno is pronounced over there. 

Much love from a boy in a good mood,

Jason Kay

Nights when you're hair is

too fuckin fabulous to fall asleep:

My eyes are red because I'm trying to stay awake

Ok one more:

Fuxxxin fabulous, been growing it out for months. Good hair days are hard to find, should I sleep?

(^...Alright one thing first.)

Third post tonight

My heart is heavy because I'm developing competency issues and body issues, about my dick. I'm cut, I wish I was uncircumcised because I feel like... someone cut my body when I was a baby and I'm just getting pissed right now because it's traumatic for a baby, it's like cutting off the vulva of a baby girl just for cultural reasons. Ugh I can't hold it in, everything lately is just crushing me and now I'm crying and I just want to snuggle up in a hoodie and hide under the covers and hold my little penis in my hands because he deserves a warm, comfortable hoodie of his own. I can't go back and hit my parents I can't go back and fix my body and here I am mourning the general concept of violating and scarring my body when I'm not in a place to give consent. Jesus will someone please stand up for what's right in this world? I'm so fucking pissed off and I'm just fucking crying over all the ways people have hurt my body and my heart and my penis and I just have to mourn these scars and they're not going away. People could have stood up for me when I was a sweet naive wonderful bright kid and now I'm an adult who just wants nothing but for my parents to suffer for not being there for me when the doctor asked them if he could cut away a special part of my infant body and I want them to remember every remaining day of their lives that they were not there for me when I was raped and they told me that if I wasn't a slimy faggot I probably wouldn't have been raped. Are you fucking joking? Our relationship lost all hope in that moment and I learned that blood isn't always family. And they know very well now that our relationship as parent and son is over with. People don't change. They cut me for their belief in god and not for me, they threw me out and all I did was struggle looking for love,  dating constantly, sometimes trading myself just to have a guy cuddle with me afterward, and I found the wrong guy, didn't know a thing about how easy it is to roofie someone, primarily how important it is to take care of yourself on a first date, and then I was raped and a beautiful part of me just went into hiding in some safe corner of my brain, and the adult in me mutated and took over the empty space and now I'm loud and strong and angry and sad. This could have been prevented. And I could've been helped and encouraged to go see a police officer immediately and get this rapist behind bars. I can just assume that he's raped so many more sweet trusting boys like me into scared angry shells who are alone and scared and can't talk about it without doubt and vulnerable embarrassment. Fuck you fuck your bullshit fuck the world's bullshit and fuck you for not standing up for the little guy and watch me because I'll find you, any of you and I'm not afraid to come to you and slowly twist until I shatter your vertebrae and break your neck.

The feelings

I've gone out EVERY night this week and I'm struggling tonight with sadness. It's not like sad to me it's more just irritating waiting to cheer up at some point. I can't afford to waste any more time in college. I'm 24, I'd be smart to just leave now and build a life where I want it. I can feel my strong little heart aching from all that I've put him through. Help me.

Good night out :)

Getting ready for the bars with one of my best friends Chris Kiss for his birthday! 

I've got a crush

I've got a baby crush on my friend :) :? ;)

Lunch break lunch break

It's tomorrow, getting social

So I went out to dinner with my old frid Greg from back in my party days in 2011 (see some of my very first posts!) and it was nice. We went out as old friends after 2 years and I kind of liked it. Keep in mind I'm lonely af. So yea we decided to do coffee right after, it was spontaneous and I had to bail on some of my closest friends for a guy--bro's before hoes but god do I need comfort right now. 

So I texted an apology but haven't gotten a response yet. In retrospect they weren't the nicest to me when I worked with them last year so I bet it makes me look like I don't need them like they thought anymore, and subconsciously I bet I'll get treated kind of like the tables have turned. So I just talked myself out of that apology haha... Anyways after dinner I went home and finished my three-quarters-assed history paper on Thomas Paine and it ended up being legit af. 

Then I went to a house party with this year's coworkers which was so much more amazing!!!! I really should've not bailed on my work friends from last year but I did :/ it was a good thing remember? Anyways here's a pic of me at the party:

And here's the best one, it was my first time playing cards against humanity:

(Sorry!)

~JK

Music post #1

Also I sent Derek this post, a really amazing electro + alternative song that kind of blends our personalities:

http://soundcloud.com/nickraymondg/benjamin-francis-leftwich-2

Killer headache

Can't sleep

And my head is killin

There's this cute boy named Derek from Chicago, he's road tripping the states with a friend or two and he says he's got no destination. We're prob gonna hang out tomorrow, he's punk alt and I'm just normal type I guess? So if we hit it off, it will be super effective.

Maths

Just finished my math midterm! It's a gorgeous mid March summer tease outside.

A haiku about bedtime

I can't sleep

I shall love myself 

And rest soon

Stressin out

Just jotting down some thoughts:

- stop naming your kids these pretentious ass names like MacKayzee and Aydynn and Elisacha and fuck your entitled ass, please like you some holy birth canal

- rape jokes aren't funny, it happened to me once and i'll break a guy's neck if I hear about it afterward or if I see anything going into a drink that shouldn't be

- i'm lonely af and well I'm back on this blog for this reason, help!

- i want two boyfriends, just for a short time, yea i'd be in a three way relationship, hell that would be so much fun

- the only people reading these secrets are people that i don't feel safe knowing these things

- #whatever

- I'm huge into EDM now, and deep thick ass trap music yeahhhhhh see my soundcloud page: https://soundcloud.com/baughbsanders

- favorite expression of 2014:   YYYAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

- also i've become kind of a hardened kid, i take myself so much not for granted since I was raped and subsequently my parents didn't care, school didn't care, my therapist congratulated me for asking for professional "observation" (i didn't limp into counseling, i sashayed) like pro tips on how i was handling it

- i won't let my mother ever live it down for not believing me, that fat cunt. she can figure out where she's living when she's out of retirement and i don't owe her some hurried friendship when we're both older and she needs me

- my dad's so dumb like, whatever its honestly easier to just forget about correcting him when he said that if i wasn't gay i wouldnt have been raped. that stupid conservative sack of skin for real. you fag bashing breeders aren't changing anybody you're just looking like an idiot because some of us are stronger than you, even than your kicks when you think we're down.

- when i came out and my parents were hashtag cunts I won't let them forget that. where did i come from because i obviously didn't get this line of thinking from the environment i was raised in at home. i had good friends though, very good mormon friends that had parents that treated them like shit too, guess you combine that many perspectives and sheeeeeeeeeeeiiiittttttt you've got a hero

- i have a crush on tumblr famous romancingthelookyloos, he's so cute and such a good guy, also lets be straight, not to out you but i get this ultra strong feeling that somebody fucked with you like either rape or self esteem coerced sex whatever but if you see this and you need me, lets straight up break some necks cus'

- i'm not worried about grammar right now lol i'm channeling the wolf the king wuff inside me and yea i'll growl at anybody trying to threaten me or my friends or my body, you growl and you move forward. watch my drink end up on your shirt and my fist against your jaw like really keep both eyes open, wipe the ice cubes out, spit the limes, wipe ya face from the mojito that was $10 you're welcome

- i was with my ex of two years up until valentines day, it wasn't some omfg dramatic breakup it was just like a test, are we feelin it still? well sadly we were having the same problems we always had and it came down to our personalities, which you can't change. i miss him lots. it explains why i'm so lonely. he was so smart, and just as crazy as i. i put him through a roller coaster because well, a month after I met him and we fell hardcore for each other, i went to los angeles and wound up getting drugged and raped and nobody knew, i didn't even know because well i was just blurry and thought i was drunk, and don't get me wrong i was awake and still while he raped me both times, and for some lucky reason i cuddled up against him because i needed comfort from somebody after he finished, and well the next morning the luckier thing is i asked him if we could go to breakfast. and he said yeah. which was retarded of him. i got to know him better, i barely touched my pancakes that he paid for and we walked home, i was doing a lot better, more sober drug wise, and I walked home to my friend's that i was staying at and i just like cried all day long and i couldn't figure out why, i just knew it was some sort of guilty filthy feeling from having sex with him but it felt different, my chemicals were drained i'm figuring, and i really really fucking want to know what drug i had forced in me thru my drink. that filthy fucking bastard, no soul behind the eyes. i have his number his facebook, he legitimately doesn't think that i realized what he did (9 months after it happened) but for 9 months after LA we talked and my very new boyfriend (the one only a month before the trip) was confused and unhappy about it. well our relationship got off to a terrible start and god damn if this fucking 39 year old Alex piece of faggot trash ruined my chances with a near perfect sweet, gullible but perfect, handsome guy then i'll find a way to run a knife so far up into his jaw that i'll be carving my name into his brain

- damn i'm tired

- i still have a history paper to write, on Common Sense by Thomas Paine, its actually good. Back in that day they literally wrote the same way we do now, spoke the same, it's so interesting to dive into history as if it were yesterday, the only difference is the invention of the vine and the hashtag.

Love ya ~
~ Jason K