Marco

I've been casually dating this cute Italian exchange student named Marco, he's in Fort Collins for two months, same as me, and yea I like him a lot. His lifestyle is relaxing and when we have sex he's calm, I'm a little nervous because I need to warm up, and he tells me to slow down and enjoy it. He calls me "bellisimo cowboy" is that not the cutest fucking name?

I slept thru my finance exam

Staying up till 6 fuming about Alex so yea I'm failing calculus for the 4th time, chemistry for the 3rd and finance again how the hell. I hope I fucking pass history 150 for god sakes. I don't have any more time to waste in this college. An old friend of mine posted a status today about how he's celebrating his 3 year anniversary of graduating from BYU and lol I'm in my 7th year attempting to get the fuck out. I have friends this year posting things about how excited they are to have been accepted into medical school or some masters program. Am I biologically fucked up beyond repair or am I just lazy, or just unlucky maybe? Hopefully? Just fuck it is what I say.

Also nice little 4am surprise;

So the guy who raped me two years ago just found me on instagram and started liking the photos of me what the fuck do I do in this situation

Some photos of me this week

Birthday party in Denver sat night:

Walkin around Denver right before the party:

Lorde was in town so I was walking for a while to my car

Filtered pic of the city to bring out the colors:

And back home in Fort Collins, Arthur and I making fun of the way my Canadian friend says words:

~JK

I wanna be a dad so bad sometimes

See this shit?

Reunited with an old friend

Arthur from CSU two years ago, I hung out with him tonight from 11p up to just a few mins ago. It's 4:11am. He's so cool, my social life is blooming. We may be making plans to go to Toronto World Pride 2014 to travel together so I can see my friends there and he can see his. We found flights into Buffalo for $340 round trip holy fuck. And Buffalo is 45 mins from Toronto. Round trip to Toronto (YYZ airport code) is $480. And passing through customs on a plane is so much harder than driving through the border. I haven't heard from Anthony much in four days now so he's been busy again but me and Arthur sent the funnies voice message because we can't remember how T'ronno is pronounced over there. 

Much love from a boy in a good mood,

Jason Kay

Nights when you're hair is

too fuckin fabulous to fall asleep:

My eyes are red because I'm trying to stay awake

Ok one more:

Fuxxxin fabulous, been growing it out for months. Good hair days are hard to find, should I sleep?

(^...Alright one thing first.)

Third post tonight

My heart is heavy because I'm developing competency issues and body issues, about my dick. I'm cut, I wish I was uncircumcised because I feel like... someone cut my body when I was a baby and I'm just getting pissed right now because it's traumatic for a baby, it's like cutting off the vulva of a baby girl just for cultural reasons. Ugh I can't hold it in, everything lately is just crushing me and now I'm crying and I just want to snuggle up in a hoodie and hide under the covers and hold my little penis in my hands because he deserves a warm, comfortable hoodie of his own. I can't go back and hit my parents I can't go back and fix my body and here I am mourning the general concept of violating and scarring my body when I'm not in a place to give consent. Jesus will someone please stand up for what's right in this world? I'm so fucking pissed off and I'm just fucking crying over all the ways people have hurt my body and my heart and my penis and I just have to mourn these scars and they're not going away. People could have stood up for me when I was a sweet naive wonderful bright kid and now I'm an adult who just wants nothing but for my parents to suffer for not being there for me when the doctor asked them if he could cut away a special part of my infant body and I want them to remember every remaining day of their lives that they were not there for me when I was raped and they told me that if I wasn't a slimy faggot I probably wouldn't have been raped. Are you fucking joking? Our relationship lost all hope in that moment and I learned that blood isn't always family. And they know very well now that our relationship as parent and son is over with. People don't change. They cut me for their belief in god and not for me, they threw me out and all I did was struggle looking for love,  dating constantly, sometimes trading myself just to have a guy cuddle with me afterward, and I found the wrong guy, didn't know a thing about how easy it is to roofie someone, primarily how important it is to take care of yourself on a first date, and then I was raped and a beautiful part of me just went into hiding in some safe corner of my brain, and the adult in me mutated and took over the empty space and now I'm loud and strong and angry and sad. This could have been prevented. And I could've been helped and encouraged to go see a police officer immediately and get this rapist behind bars. I can just assume that he's raped so many more sweet trusting boys like me into scared angry shells who are alone and scared and can't talk about it without doubt and vulnerable embarrassment. Fuck you fuck your bullshit fuck the world's bullshit and fuck you for not standing up for the little guy and watch me because I'll find you, any of you and I'm not afraid to come to you and slowly twist until I shatter your vertebrae and break your neck.

The feelings

I've gone out EVERY night this week and I'm struggling tonight with sadness. It's not like sad to me it's more just irritating waiting to cheer up at some point. I can't afford to waste any more time in college. I'm 24, I'd be smart to just leave now and build a life where I want it. I can feel my strong little heart aching from all that I've put him through. Help me.

Good night out :)

Getting ready for the bars with one of my best friends Chris Kiss for his birthday! 

I've got a crush

I've got a baby crush on my friend :) :? ;)

Lunch break lunch break