March 18, 2014
The feelings
I've gone out EVERY night this week and I'm struggling tonight with sadness. It's not like sad to me it's more just irritating waiting to cheer up at some point. I can't afford to waste any more time in college. I'm 24, I'd be smart to just leave now and build a life where I want it. I can feel my strong little heart aching from all that I've put him through. Help me.
Good night out :)
Getting ready for the bars with one of my best friends Chris Kiss for his birthday! 
March 16, 2014
March 15, 2014
It's tomorrow, getting social
So I went out to dinner with my old frid Greg from back in my party days in 2011 (see some of my very first posts!) and it was nice. We went out as old friends after 2 years and I kind of liked it. Keep in mind I'm lonely af. So yea we decided to do coffee right after, it was spontaneous and I had to bail on some of my closest friends for a guy--bro's before hoes but god do I need comfort right now.
Then I went to a house party with this year's coworkers which was so much more amazing!!!! I really should've not bailed on my work friends from last year but I did :/ it was a good thing remember? Anyways here's a pic of me at the party:
March 14, 2014
Music post #1
Also I sent Derek this post, a really amazing electro + alternative song that kind of blends our personalities:
http://soundcloud.com/nickraymondg/benjamin-francis-leftwich-2
Killer headache
Can't sleep
And my head is killin
There's this cute boy named Derek from Chicago, he's road tripping the states with a friend or two and he says he's got no destination. We're prob gonna hang out tomorrow, he's punk alt and I'm just normal type I guess? So if we hit it off, it will be super effective.
March 13, 2014
March 12, 2014
Stressin out
Just jotting down some thoughts:
- stop naming your kids these pretentious ass names like MacKayzee and Aydynn and Elisacha and fuck your entitled ass, please like you some holy birth canal
- rape jokes aren't funny, it happened to me once and i'll break a guy's neck if I hear about it afterward or if I see anything going into a drink that shouldn't be
- i'm lonely af and well I'm back on this blog for this reason, help!
- i want two boyfriends, just for a short time, yea i'd be in a three way relationship, hell that would be so much fun
- the only people reading these secrets are people that i don't feel safe knowing these things
- #whatever
- I'm huge into EDM now, and deep thick ass trap music yeahhhhhh see my soundcloud page: https://soundcloud.com/baughbsanders
- favorite expression of 2014: YYYAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
- also i've become kind of a hardened kid, i take myself so much not for granted since I was raped and subsequently my parents didn't care, school didn't care, my therapist congratulated me for asking for professional "observation" (i didn't limp into counseling, i sashayed) like pro tips on how i was handling it
- i won't let my mother ever live it down for not believing me, that fat cunt. she can figure out where she's living when she's out of retirement and i don't owe her some hurried friendship when we're both older and she needs me
- my dad's so dumb like, whatever its honestly easier to just forget about correcting him when he said that if i wasn't gay i wouldnt have been raped. that stupid conservative sack of skin for real. you fag bashing breeders aren't changing anybody you're just looking like an idiot because some of us are stronger than you, even than your kicks when you think we're down.
- when i came out and my parents were hashtag cunts I won't let them forget that. where did i come from because i obviously didn't get this line of thinking from the environment i was raised in at home. i had good friends though, very good mormon friends that had parents that treated them like shit too, guess you combine that many perspectives and sheeeeeeeeeeeiiiittttttt you've got a hero
- i have a crush on tumblr famous romancingthelookyloos, he's so cute and such a good guy, also lets be straight, not to out you but i get this ultra strong feeling that somebody fucked with you like either rape or self esteem coerced sex whatever but if you see this and you need me, lets straight up break some necks cus'
- i'm not worried about grammar right now lol i'm channeling the wolf the king wuff inside me and yea i'll growl at anybody trying to threaten me or my friends or my body, you growl and you move forward. watch my drink end up on your shirt and my fist against your jaw like really keep both eyes open, wipe the ice cubes out, spit the limes, wipe ya face from the mojito that was $10 you're welcome
- i was with my ex of two years up until valentines day, it wasn't some omfg dramatic breakup it was just like a test, are we feelin it still? well sadly we were having the same problems we always had and it came down to our personalities, which you can't change. i miss him lots. it explains why i'm so lonely. he was so smart, and just as crazy as i. i put him through a roller coaster because well, a month after I met him and we fell hardcore for each other, i went to los angeles and wound up getting drugged and raped and nobody knew, i didn't even know because well i was just blurry and thought i was drunk, and don't get me wrong i was awake and still while he raped me both times, and for some lucky reason i cuddled up against him because i needed comfort from somebody after he finished, and well the next morning the luckier thing is i asked him if we could go to breakfast. and he said yeah. which was retarded of him. i got to know him better, i barely touched my pancakes that he paid for and we walked home, i was doing a lot better, more sober drug wise, and I walked home to my friend's that i was staying at and i just like cried all day long and i couldn't figure out why, i just knew it was some sort of guilty filthy feeling from having sex with him but it felt different, my chemicals were drained i'm figuring, and i really really fucking want to know what drug i had forced in me thru my drink. that filthy fucking bastard, no soul behind the eyes. i have his number his facebook, he legitimately doesn't think that i realized what he did (9 months after it happened) but for 9 months after LA we talked and my very new boyfriend (the one only a month before the trip) was confused and unhappy about it. well our relationship got off to a terrible start and god damn if this fucking 39 year old Alex piece of faggot trash ruined my chances with a near perfect sweet, gullible but perfect, handsome guy then i'll find a way to run a knife so far up into his jaw that i'll be carving my name into his brain
- damn i'm tired
- i still have a history paper to write, on Common Sense by Thomas Paine, its actually good. Back in that day they literally wrote the same way we do now, spoke the same, it's so interesting to dive into history as if it were yesterday, the only difference is the invention of the vine and the hashtag.
Love ya ~
~ Jason K
- stop naming your kids these pretentious ass names like MacKayzee and Aydynn and Elisacha and fuck your entitled ass, please like you some holy birth canal
- rape jokes aren't funny, it happened to me once and i'll break a guy's neck if I hear about it afterward or if I see anything going into a drink that shouldn't be
- i'm lonely af and well I'm back on this blog for this reason, help!
- i want two boyfriends, just for a short time, yea i'd be in a three way relationship, hell that would be so much fun
- the only people reading these secrets are people that i don't feel safe knowing these things
- #whatever
- I'm huge into EDM now, and deep thick ass trap music yeahhhhhh see my soundcloud page: https://soundcloud.com/baughbsanders
- favorite expression of 2014: YYYAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
- also i've become kind of a hardened kid, i take myself so much not for granted since I was raped and subsequently my parents didn't care, school didn't care, my therapist congratulated me for asking for professional "observation" (i didn't limp into counseling, i sashayed) like pro tips on how i was handling it
- i won't let my mother ever live it down for not believing me, that fat cunt. she can figure out where she's living when she's out of retirement and i don't owe her some hurried friendship when we're both older and she needs me
- my dad's so dumb like, whatever its honestly easier to just forget about correcting him when he said that if i wasn't gay i wouldnt have been raped. that stupid conservative sack of skin for real. you fag bashing breeders aren't changing anybody you're just looking like an idiot because some of us are stronger than you, even than your kicks when you think we're down.
- when i came out and my parents were hashtag cunts I won't let them forget that. where did i come from because i obviously didn't get this line of thinking from the environment i was raised in at home. i had good friends though, very good mormon friends that had parents that treated them like shit too, guess you combine that many perspectives and sheeeeeeeeeeeiiiittttttt you've got a hero
- i have a crush on tumblr famous romancingthelookyloos, he's so cute and such a good guy, also lets be straight, not to out you but i get this ultra strong feeling that somebody fucked with you like either rape or self esteem coerced sex whatever but if you see this and you need me, lets straight up break some necks cus'
- i'm not worried about grammar right now lol i'm channeling the wolf the king wuff inside me and yea i'll growl at anybody trying to threaten me or my friends or my body, you growl and you move forward. watch my drink end up on your shirt and my fist against your jaw like really keep both eyes open, wipe the ice cubes out, spit the limes, wipe ya face from the mojito that was $10 you're welcome
- i was with my ex of two years up until valentines day, it wasn't some omfg dramatic breakup it was just like a test, are we feelin it still? well sadly we were having the same problems we always had and it came down to our personalities, which you can't change. i miss him lots. it explains why i'm so lonely. he was so smart, and just as crazy as i. i put him through a roller coaster because well, a month after I met him and we fell hardcore for each other, i went to los angeles and wound up getting drugged and raped and nobody knew, i didn't even know because well i was just blurry and thought i was drunk, and don't get me wrong i was awake and still while he raped me both times, and for some lucky reason i cuddled up against him because i needed comfort from somebody after he finished, and well the next morning the luckier thing is i asked him if we could go to breakfast. and he said yeah. which was retarded of him. i got to know him better, i barely touched my pancakes that he paid for and we walked home, i was doing a lot better, more sober drug wise, and I walked home to my friend's that i was staying at and i just like cried all day long and i couldn't figure out why, i just knew it was some sort of guilty filthy feeling from having sex with him but it felt different, my chemicals were drained i'm figuring, and i really really fucking want to know what drug i had forced in me thru my drink. that filthy fucking bastard, no soul behind the eyes. i have his number his facebook, he legitimately doesn't think that i realized what he did (9 months after it happened) but for 9 months after LA we talked and my very new boyfriend (the one only a month before the trip) was confused and unhappy about it. well our relationship got off to a terrible start and god damn if this fucking 39 year old Alex piece of faggot trash ruined my chances with a near perfect sweet, gullible but perfect, handsome guy then i'll find a way to run a knife so far up into his jaw that i'll be carving my name into his brain
- damn i'm tired
- i still have a history paper to write, on Common Sense by Thomas Paine, its actually good. Back in that day they literally wrote the same way we do now, spoke the same, it's so interesting to dive into history as if it were yesterday, the only difference is the invention of the vine and the hashtag.
Love ya ~
~ Jason K
February 28, 2014
December 26, 2013
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